love

I would like to tell my story. I have known a man for a year and a half, and everything was going well until the end of 2005, when he told me he wanted to end the relationship (I thought I was going to die). He told me he did not want to commit, that he had realized he liked being alone, that he did not want to have to answer to anyone, that he was a loner, and so on. Nevertheless, from time to time, we continued to have sexual relations without resuming our relationship. Then my father fell ill, and I sought some comfort from him, but he completely rejected me (I was very hurt). Unfortunately, fifteen days later, my father passed away. I decided to tell him the news and that my father’s funeral would take place on February 8.

On the day of the funeral, I was pleasantly surprised to see him (it was very important to me). Since then, we have grown closer again; he was like before, very good. But alas, it was short-lived; he no longer wants to see me. That is our story; lately, it has been like this: one time I take you, another time I throw you away. I have had a hard time understanding it; it completely destabilizes me, and I suffer a lot because I care about him so much. I would really like to find a solution.

Hi, I’ve combined your two posts (discussion threads) for better understanding and easier tracking. Best regards, Josy

Thanks, Josy

Best regards, Jo

Dear Jo,

Welcome to the section, and I hope the hand I’m reaching out to you will help you.

First of all, please accept my deepest condolences on the passing of your father, for whom I have a special thought and pray that his soul finds its way to the light.

“I would really love to find a solution,” reading those few words, I found myself a few months back when I told myself the same thing. In fact, I find common parameters between your experience and mine, which is why I am able to understand your sadness.

Given the pain you must be experiencing, we will take it step by step, if you are willing, to try to find a solution—the solution that will help you understand this man's decisions and behavior.

He told me he wanted to end the relationship (I thought I was going to die). He told me he didn't want to commit, that he had realized he liked being alone.

Before announcing this decision to you, hadn't you noticed a change in his attitude toward you?

that he did not want to answer to anyone, that he was a loner, etc.

Did he have a habit of keeping others informed about his every move? He claims to be a loner; does he have friends or family he sees regularly? Does he attend social or family gatherings like most people?

but still, from time to time, we continued to have relations

During that period, I hope I’m not being indiscreet, but was it you who made the request by arranging meetings, or was it him who reached out?

Know that you will get over the pain of this romantic disappointment. You will need to be brave and take a step back. Do not blame yourself.

I will be there by your side to help you find that solution. Do not despair, you are not alone. Do not hesitate to contact me. Receive not only a friendly hand but also all my affection.

See you soon

Good evening Jo,

I would advise you to take a step back from this relationship, which seems to be purely self-serving on the part of your friend.

Warm regards
The magician.

Hello Josy, thank you for your reply. Regarding his behavior, at the beginning of our relationship everything was fine; he told me everything he was doing, but in hindsight, I had noticed that he was quite moody, and as our relationship progressed, it got worse. It’s true that I wasn’t always easy to deal with because of his behavior; I’m a very jealous person by nature. It’s also true that it’s always me who takes the first step to get into relationships, but I have it in my bones and I really have a hard time resisting. See you soon, Jo

Hello magician, thank you for your response, but I’m really struggling to take a step back from this relationship. I would like to find the strength within myself to move on. See you soon, Jo

Hello Jo,

The few lines of your response perfectly summarize the conclusions that can be drawn from it.

At the beginning of our relationship, everything was going well; he told me everything he was doing...

All new and shiny, to make a good impression of himself, he played his part to perfection to fool everyone.

But in hindsight, I had noticed that he was quite moody, and as our relationship progressed, it only got stronger…

As they say, Jo, the natural instinct comes back with a vengeance, and the good role he had played properly for a while gradually faded, giving way to his true nature: a moody, unstable, and capricious demeanor that kept intensifying.

It's true that I wasn't always easy to deal with given his behavior.

And yes, Jo, you couldn't be natural, loving, or relaxed because you had someone across from you who radiated so much instability. How can one be at peace or live normally when one senses that the person they love is playing a double game and not acting like someone who is loving and attentive? Your reaction is normal, but unfortunately, it gave him a good reason, a good excuse, to end this relationship. It is not nice to manipulate someone who loves you, because that is what he did. I hope I am not hurting you more than you already are, but my role as a friend is not just to offer you a hand, but to be objective enough to help you see things clearly.

I am a very jealous person by nature.

It is legitimate to feel jealous, as we are never jealous of what we love, but try not to be overly jealous in the future, because excessive jealousy always causes unnecessary suffering for ourselves and does not always give us an advantage over others.

It’s also true that I’m always the one who makes the first move to start a relationship, but it’s just in my nature and I really struggle to resist.

And yes, it’s another recurring parameter: as long as one partner does what it takes for a couple to work, it may seem to function until the day things inevitably fall apart. We give all our energy, our love, we give ourselves body and soul, only to get meager results, unfortunately. And the day the man we love tells us he wants to break up, a part of ourselves goes with the breakup. It’s painful; we suffer in our flesh, in our soul. It is at that moment that we must find the strength to climb back up. It’s hard to do because we feel helpless, diminished. Now, Jo, ask yourself this question: if this man had not given you the personal satisfactions you experienced with him on an intimate level, do you think you would have experienced this breakup with as much suffering? I allow myself to speak to you about this because, from experience, I know that passionate love can be destructive.

A little idea: take a sheet of paper, draw a vertical line, and list this man’s positive points on the left and his negative points on the right. Having done so, I was surprised by the results and realized that I had been suffering for nothing.

Step back from this pain and tell yourself that no one is worth making you unhappy because of the suffering they inflict on you. Think of yourself, love yourself above all, and tell yourself that somewhere there is a person who will love you, respect you, and give you what you are entitled to expect. To do this, you must remain positive in order to give yourself the chance to experience a simple but lasting love.

I wish you a lot of courage, and don't forget that I'm here to help you grieve this romantic failure. This grief will not be easy, as you also have to grieve the loss of your father. I am thinking of you.

Thank you so much, Josy. I know everything you're telling me very well. I am aware that this relationship is destructive for me, and I hope I'll get out of it quickly.

friendships
yeah

Hello Jo,

I sincerely hope you get better soon.

Good luck,

If you're feeling down, I'm here. Don't be sad and stay in solitude; you can reach out to me however you prefer—through the forum, private messages if there are delicate matters to discuss, or even my email address.

See you soon