Good evening

Good evening
Let me explain my problem: I love a man and he loves me too. I am very emotionally dependent on him. It started as a complicated love (he is not free). As a result, I don't see him much, but I talk to him on the phone. However, my life revolves around him. I am surrounded by people, but I am never truly at ease because I always feel he is missing. If he tells me he will call me at 2:00 PM, I start to get anxious as soon as he is an hour late. I would like to regain a certain well-being, but I can't. People call me cute, and yet I lack self-confidence. If someone pays me a compliment, then everything is fine. He has to tell me he loves me constantly. I even have binge-eating episodes. I think I feel devalued because my partner, despite the love he has for me, stays for his son. That is why I have a hard time believing him when he says he loves me. Thank you for reading; an outside perspective is welcome.

Hello Mimi,

I read your message with great interest; it moved me deeply, as I feel this suffering in your body, your soul, and your heart.

Unfortunately, your situation is not unique, and many men lead a double life for reasons of their own.

Although we have pseudonyms that allow for a certain degree of anonymity, so that I can help you as best as I can to get you out of this mess, wouldn't you prefer that we address the issue bothering you point by point via private messages?

I'm all ears, don't hesitate.

See you soon, and in the meantime, try to relax

Hello Mimi,

It would be good for you to undertake some self-work through whatever appeals to you or through Bach flower remedies (I can advise you on this if needed).

This is very important, Mimi, because you are losing what matters most by acting the way you are: you are drifting away from the wonderful person you are. I fully understand your lack of self-confidence, but I can tell you one thing right now: for a couple to work, both partners must walk side by side in a balanced way. If one of them becomes a crutch or a condition for the other’s happiness, the relationship will not last in the long term.

When our happiness depends on someone, we inevitably have a lot of expectations. These expectations kill love.

I understand that it’s not easy and everyone has their own issues to deal with. That’s why I advise you to take charge, my little one, otherwise all your relationships will fall apart!

You’ve already realized that this way of functioning isn’t serving you. So do everything you can to change that. There are so many techniques available today without having to see a therapist! Just taking steps in that direction will already boost your self-worth.

Courage Mimi, keep going, we all have the same potential at the core, it's up to you to reconnect with it!

Kisses
Monica

Good evening

Your help would be welcome. Before meeting him, it was he who came to me. I was always cheerful, I laughed and joked all the time. He made me develop affection for him. What I do not understand is his behavior: he calls me 2 or 3 times a day, tells me that he loves me, but is content to see me for 1 hour face to face every 15 days (sexual relations are rare, he claims to be impotent). When I leave him, he comes back. I think I have a normal behavior, but what drives him to continue with me? It is this incomprehension of his that hurts me, because I lose confidence in myself, not feeling attractive to the he who says he loves me, this lack of enthusiasm towards me. Never a gift, he says he does not know how to give. Not a single restaurant outing, he says he does not like it. It seems to me that there are many barriers. No;

Go on, stay strong, Mimi, love yourself and charge ahead. You know what helped me in the past, my sweet Mimi, and maybe you'll laugh. What I'm about to tell you is serious.

I chose myself… and yes, it’s simple, but so difficult, because I had to fight my own little inner demons and I REFUSE to be treated like a doormat… or to be seen as someone who is only good for fulfilling others’ emotional needs (old patterns stemming from my family). Hey hey, but God, how good it felt to live again… Look at your strengths, Mimi: you are understanding, loving, and charming. Don’t let anyone, anyone, devalue you, Mimi, no one… you are you, and you are unique.

Even if you were to roll on the ground in pain, tearing your heart open and even exposing it for this person, you would receive nothing... this man is committed elsewhere, not available... you are living in the illusion of a return... if you take a step back, Mimi, this man has never been committed to you, he just pretended... because with you, he feels valued. He is using your energy, Mimi...

If he threatens to harm himself… (a manipulation tactic on his part to maintain control over you), well, that is his problem. (A person who says this to you does not respect you and, at the same time, wants to make you responsible for him.) Tell him that if he wants to harm himself, there are professionals for that, and that you will go on your way without him. I know it is difficult, but the day you choose yourself—you are a unique person, Mimi—choose yourself (just once in your life as a woman). The love for yourself and the respect for yourself will become clear to you, and you will see your reality differently. And after some time, with the benefit of hindsight on all of this, Mimi, you will come to realize it, and you know what, you will be greater and even more wonderful, and you will discover the love for yourself. The most beautiful gift in the world, Mimi. The most beautiful gift is your serenity, your heart, your soul, your life, which belongs to you.

tenderness/rolande

A few years ago now, every morning when I got up, I would look at myself in the mirror and say: "Rolanda, you are beautiful, you are a magnificent person, and love yourself enough to save yourself." Little by little, I built my nest, and you know what, Mimi, one day you will be able to say to that man... "My relationship with you doesn't suit me," and you will be able to tell him... believe me... you will gain in confidence. Value yourself, Mimi, do things just for yourself and go for it, but always stay in action and treat yourself. For just one time in your life, Mimi, give yourself a vote of life...

My dear Mimi, I can’t help but send you this little message because your story reminds me of something that happened to me five years ago. I had just come out of a very difficult relationship two or three years prior and didn’t want to commit to anyone for a while. So I mostly hung out with “friends,” and those girls’ nights out really relaxed me. Then one day, when I had planned to have dinner with one of these friends, she told me during the aperitif that two of her friends were just dropping by to say hello. I didn’t like the idea, but shortly after she mentioned it, they showed up. I was stuck. “Hi, hi, etc…” One of the guys, who was not my type at all, kept staring at me with admiration, which really annoyed me, and I was signaling to my friend that we should get up and head to the restaurant. Anyway, they ended up joining us too, and there was no getting rid of them! They were very nice, but I was not in the mood at all to talk about myself, my life, and so on. In the end, they stayed with us for the entire evening, and not long before we left, this guy, who had clearly told me he was living with someone, said he had literally fallen for me. I brushed him off, telling him it was just the wine talking and that he’d better head home.
The next day, my cell phone rang. It was him! My “friend” had given him my number despite his insistence! I was green with envy! He called me back for several days. He wanted at all costs to give me something. After 3-4 rejections, I gave him an hour at a café near my place, making it clear “no more.” We met up; he had a very gentle look, but he didn’t attract me at all, and his situation repelled me even more. He offered me a book: “The Picture of Dorian Gray” by… damn, I can’t remember the author. He absolutely wanted me to read that book. He continued to call me almost every day to chat a bit, to confide in me. It made me smile, but I didn’t take it seriously, even though in fact he had already taken a step forward in my mind without me realizing it. Until the day he didn’t call at the usual time… and I realized I was waiting for his call! That I missed him! We started seeing each other in restaurants, in cafés, often in the afternoon because his work (he had his own company) allowed it, and I had taken a sabbatical year after that breakup. We shared a lot spiritually, we had a lot of fun, we did go-karting together, rallies, paintball… like real kids… concerts, movies… everything was platonic (we hadn’t even kissed). He was so in admiration of me, he communicated so well with me… a true communion. I felt like I had met my other half of a soul. And now I found him handsome, so handsome. But never a dinner together, only a few hours during the day on Saturday, or an hour on Sunday morning on the sly… He continued his life on the other side, saying that he felt guilty for his girlfriend, that she had always been by his side in the worst moments, that she was very pious, but that what he felt was not love. Just respect (!!!) and tenderness, a bit like for a sister. The situation began to tear me apart… I thought about that girl more and more. I had kissed him and we were constantly cheek to cheek… How could she not smell my perfume on him in the evening, on his shirts before putting them in the washing machine. How could she not come across one of my long hairs?.. He was also in pain. He felt guilty but constantly said that he needed me, that with her there was a void, etc… He had gained a real hold over me. I thought of him as soon as I woke up and before falling asleep. I had become dependent and dispossessed of my life, of my interests, I refused to give anyone else a chance… in short, I was wasting away by degrees, consumed by this relationship… which was platonic on top of that!!! He had the same problem as Mimi’s… I left him once, saying that I couldn’t go on like that, that it was consuming me. He had answered that I didn’t understand… that he “had me in his skin” as he put it… And one day I really couldn’t take it anymore, this endless story, the idea of that girl… who certainly felt my presence. The image I had of myself was horrible. The love I felt for him made me so physically beautiful, but so ugly and despicable inside. That wasn’t me! When I left him, REALLY this time, I felt like my soul was being ripped out of my body, I had physical reactions (violent stomach aches, loss of appetite, depression…). It took me a year to detoxify myself from this man. But now Mimi, I tell myself that it is one of the best things I have done, for us, and for that girl. One does not build one’s happiness on the misfortune of someone else, and besides, those men are never and will never be available to let you live fully. It is a death by degrees… I later learned from his friends that he had taken the breakup very badly (he had lost weight, shaved his head, always looked sad…) but I did not give in.
It took me a year to rebuild myself. But if I saw him tomorrow, I couldn’t say it wouldn’t affect me. You have to make a decision and act. There is suffering, certainly, but at least you can control that one. Love yourself, Mimi. You deserve more respect and love than someone who only gives you scraps, crumbs of their real life. No one deserves to be a bit part in love.
I apologize for the length of this message. I think you’ll understand me, my little Mimi.

Natouchka

Hi Mimi,

I think that reading the messages, you understand that everything depends on you. This man, as you describe him, seems quite selfish. Moreover, he is not generous, and according to what I have observed, people who are not generous are not generous in any area! They are often people who only take and give little.

You know, Mimi, I start from the premise that every event in our life, whatever it may be, has a reason for being. If we take a step back from what we are going through, we realize what each person and each situation brings us. If you find yourself facing this person today, instead of focusing on their attitudes, observe what it triggers in you and what bothers you, and eliminate it through inner work.

Perhaps he is highlighting this lack of confidence, a need for love, a need for recognition; only you know what is going on inside you. Write a self-assessment if necessary, it helps. Be very honest and note everything this relationship triggers in you.

Don't try to understand him; that's not the point. He is there (unconsciously) to help you understand yourself, so seize this opportunity!

This man is here to bring to light certain aspects of your personality. If you take it from that angle, you’ll build something wonderful!

I highly recommend this book to you:

The Complete Book of Bach Flower Remedies by Dr. E. Bach, by Mechthild Scheffer, published by Le Courrier du Livre

There, you will find very detailed descriptions of the different states we go through in succession. But be careful, you must respect the dosages, otherwise you will be too overwhelmed! I am happy to offer my help, as I told you. You don’t need to buy the bottles; you can ask the pharmacy to prepare a mixture with the chosen flower or flowers. I have been taking them for quite a while, and I find them magical!

Courage
Kisses to all
Monica

:o What wonderful sharing, ladies, and what beautiful solidarity for our friend Mimi. BRAVO!!! When I hear women's speeches, it always pushes me to go very far and to believe in myself.

Rolande

Good evening, Rollande

Well done, you're right. Stay positive and believe in yourself; that's the best way to get out of trouble.

:o yes JOsy, it’s funny you put two L’s in my name lol

I believe in myself, Josy… even more today the day before yesterday

Rolande

Your messages do me good. I’m going to try to work on myself. Today I spoke to him on the phone after the message I had left him: “I’m going to find someone else.” He asked me why I say such mean things to him. I told him that his behavior was like that of a 14-year-old boy.

I told him to act like an adult. I’ve known Léon for 10 years because we work together. Seven years of pure friendship and three of love. During those seven years, we were very close. He was always sweet, always there to help me, attentive, bringing me little things that felt like gifts. Nothing like the Léon I’ve known in other ways for the past three years.

Why this attitude now? A psychic told me two years ago that he was unhappy and that he sometimes would go off to a corner and cry all by himself. Surprisingly, he told me about three months ago that he sometimes would go off to a corner and cry all by himself. A week ago, he told me that it was hard not to live the life he would want to live.

There’s a mysterious side to this person; I sense a kind of secret. It’s like a pressure cooker that’s about to explode but is holding back, holding back, and holding back. He’s a very respected guy at work, always there to help and hardworking. What is he hiding?

To get back to me. I will listen to your advice.

Kisses.

Mimi, do you know the What are the characteristics of manipulative men?

Rolande

Very good question, Rollande.

It had to be placed.

I don't know, and you?; regards

I believe it is appropriate to insert the characteristics here. There are 30 of them, of which 4 are consequences of the other 26. According to Isabelle Nazare-Aga (1997).
An individual who is described as a manipulator acts according to at least ten of the following characteristics:

1. He makes others feel guilty, in the name of family ties, friendship, love, professional conscience, etc.

2. He shifts his responsibility onto others or disclaims his own responsibilities.

3. He does not clearly communicate his requests, needs, feelings, and opinions.

4. He often responds in a vague manner.

5. He changes his opinions, behaviors, and feelings depending on the people or situations.

6. He invokes logical reasons to disguise his requests.

7. He makes others believe that they must be perfect, that they must never change their minds, that they must know everything and answer requests and questions immediately.

8. He questions the qualities, competence, and personality of others: he criticizes without seeming to, devalues, and judges.

9. He has his messages sent by others or through intermediaries
   (by phone instead of in person) (leaves written notes)

10. He sows discord and creates suspicion, dividing to better rule, and can cause a couple to break up.

11. He knows how to cast himself as a victim to elicit sympathy (exaggerating his illness, a difficult social circle, an overwhelming workload, etc.).

12. He ignores the requests (even though he says he will deal with them)

13. He uses others' moral principles to satisfy his own needs (concepts of humanity, charity, racism, good or bad mothers, etc.).

14. He threatens in a disguised manner or resorts to open blackmail.

15. He completely changes the subject during a conversation

16. He avoids or escapes the interview, the meeting.

17. He relies on others' ignorance and makes them believe in his superiority.

18. He lies.

19. He preaches falsehood to discern the truth, distorts and interprets

20. He is egocentric.

21. He can be jealous even if he is a parent or a spouse.

22. He cannot tolerate criticism and denies obvious facts.

23. He does not take into account the rights, needs, and desires of others

24. He very often uses the last moment to ask, order, or make others act.

25. His speech appears logical or coherent, whereas his attitudes, actions, or lifestyle conform to the opposite pattern.

26. He uses flattery to please us, gives gifts, or suddenly becomes overly attentive to us

27. It produces a state of discomfort or a feeling of lack of freedom (a trap).

28. It is perfectly effective for achieving one's own goals, but at the expense of others.

29 It makes others do what we would probably not have done of our own accord
30. He is constantly the subject of discussion among people who know him, even though he is no longer there.

You need at least 10 characteristics to be able to use that big word, manipulative. Personally, I see more of a very suffering person than the harsh word manipulative.

Are we all manipulators? We must not confuse manipulation, which may be merely a transient behavior, with a manipulative personality.

There is also the first mask, which is called the nice one, the seducer, the altruist, the cultured one, the shy one, and the dictator. If you want the definition, don’t hesitate to ask me.

Good evening Rolande,

And thank you so much for these definitions of the manipulative person…

I am asking myself the following question:

21. He may be jealous even if he is a parent or spouse.

Aren't they all more or less jealous?

Thank you, ClaudiaC

P.S. So what are these qualities? There must be some way to act as a counterweight, right? Charm, kindness, sweet words, gallantry…

Aren't they all more or less jealous?

Claudiac, what is your opinion on this, and what would be the qualities of a manipulative person?

Rolande

You would like to explain in more depth when you mention qualities, charm, etc.

Hello Mimi and the others..
Here I am, I wanted to encourage you...
Go Mimi, don't let this manipulative man get away with it anymore, be strong!! Dare to tell him what's wrong and share your opinions… and be strong again!! We are all with you, that's the strength of women, we are solidary… and as for Bach flowers, I take them too and I would like to know a bit more… tell me Monicaho, can you tell me a bit more about Bach flowers?:?… thank you

Friendship
Oh, Louna…

Rolande,

I read with great interest all the negative points about the manipulative man…
I keep thinking that before we knew all these things... we must have fallen in love with this man for some reason... and that's why I ask myself... what are the advantages of this man? So that... we would fall in love with him...
Is it his charm, his ability to flirt and talk to women…? To shower them with gifts (this is more the materialistic side for me, so unimportant) or… is it precisely his “boyish” side that attracts?
And once he got what he wanted… did he drop it or change his personality?

Fortunately, there are non-manipulative men… and they are happy…

What do you think?

ClaudiaC

Hello Rolande,

Oh yes, you're right, I had put two L's in your first name. Sorry, I hadn't even seen it!!!, which proves that your positive side is so intense and we feel it so much that we double the letters lol !!!

To return to a serious topic, particularly regarding manipulative men, I unfortunately crossed paths with one, and he shared my life for a year and a half, from which I separated because this man was unbearable to live with, as you can imagine. So I went back to the list of characteristics and left it as is, because I find all 30 points that apply to it, and I will add one more, which is: knows how to manipulate the situation to his advantage

What are the 4 characteristics on which the other 26 depend?

1. He blames others, in the name of family ties, friendship, love, professional conscience, etc.

2. He shifts his responsibility onto others or disclaims his own responsibilities.

3. He does not clearly communicate his requests, needs, feelings, and opinions.

4. He often responds in a vague manner.

5. He changes his opinions, behaviors, and feelings depending on the people or situations.

6. He invokes logical reasons to disguise his requests.

7. He makes others believe that they must be perfect, that they must never change their minds, that they must know everything and answer requests and questions immediately.

8. He questions the qualities, competence, and personality of others: he criticizes without seeming to, devalues, and judges.

9. It has its messages sent by others or by intermediaries
   (phone instead of face-to-face) (leaves written notes)

10. He sows discord and creates suspicion, dividing to better rule and potentially causing the breakup of a couple.

11. He knows how to cast himself as a victim to elicit sympathy (exaggerating his illness, a difficult social circle, an overwhelming workload, etc.).

12. He ignores the requests (even though he says he will deal with them)

13. He uses others' moral principles to satisfy his own needs (concepts of humanity, charity, racism, good or bad mothers, etc.).

14. He threatens in a veiled manner or resorts to open blackmail.

15. He completely changes the subject during a conversation

16. He avoids or escapes the interview, the meeting.

17. He relies on others' ignorance and makes them believe in his superiority.

18. He lies

19. He preaches falsehood to discover the truth, distorting and interpreting.

20. He is egocentric.

21. He can be jealous even if he is a parent or a spouse.

22. He cannot handle criticism and denies obvious facts.

23. He does not take into account the rights, needs, and desires of others

24. He very often uses the last moment to ask, order, or make others act.

25. His speech seems logical or coherent, whereas his attitudes, actions, or lifestyle conform to the opposite pattern.

26. He uses flattery to please us, gives gifts, or suddenly becomes overly attentive to us.

27. It produces a state of discomfort or a feeling of lack of freedom (a trap).

28. It is perfectly effective for achieving one's own goals, but at the expense of others.

29 It makes others do what we would probably not have done of our own accord.
30. He is constantly the subject of discussion among people who know him, even though he is no longer there.

You said that it takes at least 10 characteristics to conclude that an individual is a manipulator, and this individual holds a record! Although you speak of their suffering, all I can tell you is that the 30 points described above have particularly caused me suffering and put me in a situation that people would find hard to believe if I were to reveal the 18 months of troubles I endured.

I don't think we are all manipulators, but there are people who, through their attitude and skill, know how to influence individuals and succeed in getting what they want from them.

It is a fact that manipulators, in my opinion and based on my experience, make very effective use of their charm, a so-called altruistic side, and make you believe they are shy while being authoritarian.

So Mimi, what do you think of this individual for whom the 30 points described reflect exactly who he is? I would appreciate knowing what you conclude.

See you soon and thank you in advance